“I am very sane.”

This week I finally started taking a German class. I dreaded it but it’s not the worst. I was nervous because they put me in a higher level than I felt I should be in after a verbal interview. I explained that the German I was speaking was deceptively good, because I can speak some bureaucratic German after the past few months of paperwork and administration but my basic conversation sucks. I only had two German classes in New York before I quit because of my addiction to my job. But it seems that Berlin itself has been a good teacher.

It’s a frustrating feeling to love writing and manipulating your own language yet be unable to communicate beyond a rudimentary level in another. THIS must be what Ariel felt like after that fat octopus stole her voice! One minute you’re singing about your pilfered treasure, the next you’re dressed in a windsail doing pantomime with a crab in your pocket and a fork in your hair. Tragic.

In my class I was lucky enough to make friends with an American girl who suggested I try online to find English speakers.

Occasionally in the past when loneliness and general life despair got to me, I tried online dating. It usually took a disastrous course and I always abandoned it fairly quickly, only to try again another year after another little sadness. I generally feel that it’s not for me. I rely pretty heavily on my natural filter which tells me from the first meeting if I’m attracted enough to someone to want to date/partake in related activities with them. I just know if those are possibilities, and if they’re clearly not and I force myself to consider a person differently, it never works. I end up with an excess of revulsion and misery which later boomerangs into self-hatred. Online, this blessing of a built-in personally honed filter is gone.

And there’s something so bleak about trying to package yourself appealingly, highlighting strengths modestly but still trying to sell them, exhibiting enough intelligence and sense of humor without the dreaded side effect of trying too hard, and being honest about (some) weaknesses. Conversations are stilted and terrible. Guys come up with devastatingly awful pick up lines meant to be demonstrably witty or clever and instead just make me sad (activating my interior “the guy I’m really in love with/heartbroken over would NEVER say something so lame” speech.) Or even worse, if they do write something kindly appealing or humorous, they’re inevitably ugly. I hate to be a shallow asshole (sorry for creating that image) but I can’t help it. I don’t need some ideal male physique at all, but I need a face that I like looking at.

Nevertheless, I considered New York an impossibly difficult city in which to actually meet people unless you work or go to school with them. So I sometimes tried until the frustration and annoyance became too much, always rekindling my disbelief at how annoying a huge majority of people can be. So, so annoying.

Side note: I think T.S. was wrong and February is actually the cruelest month, because as I scanned through my inbox, I saw that I first opened the account in February 2010, later deactivating and reopening in February 2011. It’s a bleak and despair filled month, I suppose. I refuse to believe it was Valentine’s Day that affected me so strongly as I am not a Cathy cartoon.

So as disheartening and depressing as I find the attempt to make connections online, I’m trying. To my delight, when I reactivated my account I found I hadn’t deleted most messages and guess what, they’re hilarious. Just so anyone who hasn’t dated in awhile and has mercifully forgotten the pain can see what lurks out there, I’ve copied and pasted some samples. Let’s have a look (each line is a separate message):

Hello…I think you are…mmmm (the rest of the message in bad English interspersed with many mmmmm’s.)

holy shit have you seen black swan? i saw it last night and can’t stop thinking about it

hi there, you seem interesting (end of message)

Bonjour! I’m Alex, French, brown hair, green eyes, gym-fit, D/D free, non-smoker. I’m very charming and handsome, and humble too  I am a well-travelled businessman, generous, considerate and respectful. I have lived in Paris, Montreal, London, and now New York. I love good food and good wine, movies and theater, museums and galleries, and above all travelling – skiing, beach, Italian boutique hotels etc. I am very sane and normal. (The “very sane” declaration is a major theme. I think I only put a few samples here, but that’s because it gets redundant. It gets screamed at you from these messages constantly.)

(referencing a photo of me on a Jack the Ripper walking tour in London) We could re-enact that together any time you want. That picture is hot! (I am very sane, nice and safe, btw, but love playing with stuff like that.)

you deserve a nice hard spanking for not replying to my IM. (Ed. note – barfing forever)

Ever wonder how Freud’s doorbell sounded? I bet it was more of a buzzer.

Hello, what is your favorite allergy? Best, VC.

World War 3 might be just around the corner because the whole world financial system is bankrupt!

(in response to a weird message where a guy mentioned several times my being “20″, I pointed out that I wasn’t 20. He responded and explained that he uses “20″ as a vague umbrella for any twentysomething.) Don’t reply to this i have a slight form of OCD when it comes to messages and always have to reply and this conversation will go nowhere and/or will bore me(you too but my boredom is more important to myself and boredom is like…. boring.. argh redundancy is my forte and talking too much too but eh. (Amazingly, I resisted the urge to reply with “But what are you going to say now? Are you bored yet? Your theories about age make no sense. Also it should be “me” not “myself”. Bored? I can’t wait to see what you’re going to reply. I know you will. I can’t wait.”)

hi sweetz..how are you? would love to get to know you better if you’d humor some intellectual conversation. (Except how can you take anyone intellectually seriously post “sweetz”?)

Hola – Today was bright and sunny, which was weird because there was snow everywhere and little pools were forming in the sunlight while mountains of snow remained in the shade. It was great having it be so warm in one spot and then so cold only one foot away. I sat there watching the stream of water flow down around the dust forming it’s own path pouring out it’s potential energy into kinetic to move little rocks and clumps of dirt out of it’s way. Cheers, M.

I like what you had to say in your…you seem like you have a good heart, which isn’t easy to find nowadays. If you’re at all interested, let me know. I’m always looking for a good conversation and I’d love to c profile hat with you. (say in my…what? c profile hat? Was he using a template and couldn’t even manage coherence with that?)

how do you feel about the upcoming battle with the zombies?

(subject line) testing water and introducing myself

The plus side so far is that German guys seem more prone to writing kind, intelligent messages and talking about rudimentary things, unlike the New Yorkers who made every effort to expedite the meeting process. Rarely any discussion, more like overeager dogs than men:  ”Can we meet? Wanna meet? Drinks tonight? This afternoon? How about now? Are you interested? I’m very sane. Let’s talk about all that stuff on your profile, who cares, let’s just meet right now. I’M SANE.”