Last week, due to some nasty illness I spent copious amounts of time sleeping, watching TV and trying not to throw up any vital organs. Watching basically everything, I eventually got around to my beloved Monster Quest.
If you’re unaware, the show consists of overenthusiastic faux-sciencey “cryptozoologists” searching for monsters and after a huge build-up each episode, they conclude by never finding anything. But I noticed episodes examining things like sharks (not monsters), mountain lions (again, not monsters), crocodiles (there’s some confusion on the definition of monsters at the History Channel, I think). Stick to the Hillbilly Beast and Abominable Snowman, please.
Maybe due to a weird dream I had where diseases were transmitted through water, I wanted to watch the shark episodes. They featured some unusually eloquent guests. Take for example one on the episode “Mega Jaws” describing the Sea of Cortez: “I mean the place is just like a..living soup of life.”
Well crap. I hope he’s writing poetry in addition to paddling around the Sea of Cortez looking for mega dinosaur sharks allegedly extinct for millions of years but maybe not because what else could be biting whales besides monster ghost sharks from the past, hmm? Oh gosh, I don’t know – maybe another Great White shark which was ALSO on an episode of Monster Quest and if it can bite a fellow shark in half, I have a sneaking suspicion it could/would also bite a whale? Humble guess.
Or here, where at 10:22 an overexcitable scientist who has spent 22 years trying to tag a Great White shark with no success (can someone please send him a copy of What Color is Your Parachute? It’s time) delivers undoubtedly the greatest line ever spoken on this show: “The LENGTH is one thing, but the girth – BLOWS YOUR MIND.”
If I had a nickel for every time…
There are few things I love more than when people start fighting via a Youtube comment thread, and for some reason Monster Quest gets people RILED UP. A disagreement gets started and you can just tell it’s going to escalate into an all-out commenters’ brawl. People feel really strongly about their monsters and animals that are not monsters but which the History Channel identifies as such. The shark episodes especially get people passionately up in arms.
your fken retarded do u have a brain? the researchers are researching if they have a malicious intent dumb bitch also if it doesnt think then why the fk in gods name would you leave it alone? before calling researchers retards you should do some studying and look in the mirror dumb ass
Yeah, look in the mirror before you make fun of someone who’s spent 22 years trying unsuccessfully to tag one (1) shark and who’s appearing on a show that’s claiming these sharks are multiplying in number and consistently swimming closer to shore more than ever!
When they’re not fighting, they’re busy providing thoughtful commentary:
in the 90s a russian sub was attacked by a 120ft shark……think im bullshiting? that was wat some of the sailors reported…on top of that the blip on their radar screen was absolutely huge. look it up
I did look it up. http://lmgtfy.com/?q=russian+submarine+giant+shark+attack
If you click the Google books link, you’ll be informed by two historically infallibly reputable sources (Weekly World News and Boris Yeltsin) that this indeed occurred. Yeeppppp. 120 feet. Weekly World News and Boris Yeltsin.
why the fuck do they need code names…they r not in the CIA mission (It’s true, they did have code names for the Mega Jaws Sea of Cortez extinct ghost rowboat expedition)
ure right stil no one has explored the bermuna triangle execpt ameila earhart
this is just a large great white that the locals confuse with something larger cause they are high or something
And I think they survive like the catfish the catfish saw the megalodon because the catfish live for senturies (We should go ask Mr. Catfish then, if he’s been around for ssssenturies.)
the mexicans are fucking with you!
they are trying to leave humans a message, you see that that is my major food source get the message stop fucking with us (Maybe if the sharks worded the message a little more politely and coherently we might have heeded it.)
A lot to get through today, so everyone sit down and shut up. OK, where to begin…
1) Never mind “I mean the place is just like a..living soup of life.” The actual Best Sentence Written This Month goes to “Maybe due to a weird dream I had where diseases were transmitted through water, I wanted to watch the shark episodes.” That is fact. Don’t even argue with me in the comments about it. I’m not in the mood.
2) The following line, conversely, makes me feel inadequate and emasculated: “The LENGTH is one thing, but the girth – BLOWS YOUR MIND.”
3) A friend of a friend worked moderating comments on a British national newspaper website. She called the people who wrote them “commentards”.
4) I love the way the general offensive tone of Youtube comments is the same, whether talking about researching aquatic life or a clip from American Idol or Glee.
5) We sent all week talking about the freaky shit in the ocean. Giant sharks were not on the list. You wanna talk squid baby.
I didn’t want to get really specific in case it gave anyone the wrong idea, but the diseases transmitted through water in the dream were sexual. The plot thickens, eh? I remember that I didn’t hear about it until after I had already gotten out, and suddenly there was all this noise about herpes in the water. Dream me was desperately hoping “Herpes” was lifeguard code for “giant shark”.
Commentards = a world of yes. They do get really offended, don’t they? I am both fascinated and confused by it. Like there’s just so much intense anger at work there. If people get so worked up and violence-threatening over Dancing with the Stars, how has society not devolved into a terror state already?
Oh God squids. Have you ever seen that Planet Earth (I think it was) episode with the vampire squid? I would google it but I’m actually quite frightened of the imagery and don’t like to see it too often. But it’s a big red watery nightmare creature moving all slowly as nightmare things tend to do. Squids are strange.
Yeah those giant squids that live deeeeeep deeeeeeeeeep deeeeeeeeeep down underwater are freaky. I shudder to think what sort of grim cock-rotting disease they would manifest themselves as in one of your sordid dreams.
Can you really catch herpes and/or sharks via water? Oh no! THat puts the kibosh on swimming for me then.
Planet Earth was the single greatest achievement of the human race until I saw this: http://youtu.be/A_B5UrI7nAI Which trumps it, obviously.
Are you alive? I hope so. If you were dead, where would I read about freaky Germans and even freakier Noo Yorkers?
Yes!!! I am alive. I was indeed dead for awhile, and now am amongst the living again. Just kidding. Always alive (I think.) I’ve been busy/lazy, and a combination of other rather uninterestingables. I do however tend to update the Missed Connections blog: shipspassing.wordpress.com, a bit more frequently, since it requires less thoughts ‘n stuff.
Your concern did however make my day. I’ll have to compile a list of blogs and news sources where you can read about freaky Germans and/or New Yorkers in the event that my death comes to pass. I couldn’t bear the thought of someone living without such anecdotes.